The new law recites I exhibit so I am? Indeed it seems so, given who's not showing his own intimate bravery comes under vanilla suspicion… Identity, exhibitionism, social acceptance, stereotypes and various intimacy shows
A recent chat conversation lead me to this interesting topic. The discussion was about how many people give so much importance - or even consider necessary to exhibit their own BDSM intimacy to a more or less selected public. Lets start with a notation: I don't want to mix two distinct topics there. One thing is the charm of exhibition in itself - another thing is what I want to discuss there. Exhibitionism is in itself an exciting act, something working by itself. Lets say a "hot sauce" to add to any kind of activity, erotic or not. May be very exciting to exhibit ourselves or to exhibit something we own, lets say our car driving skill, our artistic talent, our ability to sing or dance. Nothing wrong in that, as far as it's an option of our expressive ways. Some problems will face up when exhibitionism become necessary - when it turns out to be essential to define our identity. In each kind of human activity, we are what we do. Its an important mechanism in our self-perception, but this works the same either if we do something alone or in a crowded place. If we masturbate licking the ass of a cow, such act works as a self-perception hint both if we do it in an isolated farm or if we share it with the whole world by a webcam conference. Now, there are more or less "public" relational activities, and more or less private ones. All the more intimate activities are defined - precisely - intimate as they remain private and shared only in special condition of great confidence. In such terms, exhibitionism appears as a contradiction: if you show something intimate, it ceases to be intimate. But again, exhibiting intimacy produces a sort of soul friction - and we face the thrill from breaking a taboo - there we taste the pleasure of tasting our own shame.
Sexuality have a fundamental role in the definition of our identities. If "republican" or "democratic" are perceived as social categories, "homosexual" or "impotent" carve much more into the definition or ourselves. When it comes to BDSM, definitions like "Master" or "slave" become totalizing - and they overpass any other aspect in re-defining ourselves. In such view, showing an identity is done to ensure other's recognition. Wearing a stars and stripes flag or a dog collar have the precise meaning to tell others - and ourselves - who we are and what we desire. Exhibiting acts and parts of our sexual preferences share then two distinct meanings. On a side it aims at the thrill of violating a taboo, on the other side it defines our own identity. Now, given that our sexual attitudes are indubitably an important part of our identity, for many people accepting to share erotic desires defined as "perverse" is not exactly a "little" problem. The question then is: am I abnormal? Am O "different"? Such question emerges for most people into childhood, when they face the difference between their peculiar sexual desires and the ones shared by other children. If for instance a child feels sexual arousal in domination/submission situations, by tying or being tied up to the Indian pole, or tasting the smell or taste of shoes, when he discover those behaviors are derided and considered "ill" by other child and by adults, they usually remove them from their conscious self-definition. But they are not at all cancelled, and they sooner or later usually rise again during adulthood, bringing more or less serious danger to marriages and other relations where they find no room to express. For those recovering such passions, the choice is hard. They can either hide them in their own secret room, feeding them with porn trash which only feed a growing guilt and inadequacy sense toward themselves, either they accept those sides, opening to some new and sometimes slippery chances.
What will I SUCK when I grow UP?
It is certainly sane to and accept our own desires, as far as we are bale to face them with responsibility and equilibrium. Unfortunately, it does not happen very often. Most of those recovering and accepting their peculiar erotic desires start over in a sort of new adolescence about them. And in such phase, exhibitionism have an essential role to define their own sexual identity. They somehow look for the acceptance they did not experienced as child. There is who put BDSM as rule and meter of his life and the whole reality. A sort of religion involving any aspect of life, where all people are either Masters, Mistress or slaves, knowing it or not. Of course Masters rules, Mistress live on high heels and slaves moans in constant pain/pleasure, and always will be, amen. Other persons, unfortunately the majority, feels the need to exhibit their own BDSM activities as a mean to be sure of what they are - or better, to be sure that they actually exist. If we search for sites treating the matter of oral sex, or let's say kama sutra, we'll find a huge variety of them. From the porn site exploiting this content to the passionate fan site describing them in technical details. But then, why the personal sites about kamasutra shows ancient canvases and arts and the site about BDSM nearly always shows the section: "photo gallery of me and my partners engaging in BDSM activities"? so that, into BDSM, people waver among two positions: either they hide their passion to themselves and to others, either they exhibit it all - form emotions to wet panties. Just as people into BDSM must reassure himself and others that he *really* live those situations. Those photo galleries recalls me, in a pathetic way, the photo collection of the "ex" to show to friends as a clue that we have "done something". But if it may be funny in a young guy searching for his identity, what about a 40years old man showing you the pics where he fucks? I mean, they should be his own business, shouldn't them? Exhibiting such intimacy reveals a lack of identity. A quest for acceptance and justification on what we are. If you're not ashamed of what you do, you do not need to make it a flag. Keeping for ourselves those moments is a way to make them precious, to save their intimate meaning and give them a unique value. Exhibiting them turns out to degrade them. It means to sell their value in exchange for this acceptance and reassurance of an identity. But its never a fair deal.
Gotcha, DAMNED VANILLA!
Not long ago a user in the forums was complaining about a munch, telling that "in the real I saw too little…" so I wonder: what was him expecting to see? People whipping each other on the restaurant table? Appointments to tie up each other or force each other to suck dirty socks? What sort of idiotic image - and expectation - does the BDSM scene give to those peeking in? in the same thread I was even questioned for being probably not a BDSMer, given that that guy does not see me doing things with my partner. That was funny. There are little or no pictures of myself engaging BDSM activities around in the various websites, and I thank heaven for that. I remember with a little embarrass a photo posted on an Italian website, with me hanging at the sweet hands of a Teutonic wonderful girl: it was shoot in '98 or so, and was my last public play. I had something to prove to myself, I guess I don't have anymore. But then, the fact that I am not willing to give a monthly exhibition imply that I do not play BDSM at all? So now those who do not give evidences about his own sexual activity is a pariah? Those ho don't exhibit their own BDSM intimacy are menaced with the "vanilla" label? And right before ALL that, why the hell someone should be informed IF and HOW I play BDSM in my intimacy? Such childish need to show to be sure to exist - and the even more puerile attitude to sniff other's asshole to see what they've been eating yesterday is far more ridicule then pathetic. Stealing words from Tyler Durden, c'mon lets evolve a little.
That's how they ALL do it
Ok, this is just my opinion and so it may be considered. We all have full right to behave as we think fits, of course respecting laws etc. etc. But what we do does not affect only ourselves. When we define with our behavior what BDSM is about, we are not only stating our more or less intense need to justify ourselves. We are also telling the world what is a BDSMer behavior. And as far as a BDSMer is someone in need to exhibit his intimacy to be sure to exist, then media will coherently show us all as identity lacking freaks. As far as BDSMers will publicly expose their own intimacy, this will be the stigma of all our kind. That is why journalists and anchormen claim the right to ask us about sordid details of your experiences, and that is precisely why we are always treated as weird animals. I dunno about you, but all that makes me really mad. Just because some people into BDSM insist in this childish attitude to exhibit their own business should I be expected to do the same? I always naturally express my passion into BDSM during a social talk, without any embarrass or shame. Here's what drives me mad: I must all the time add that - no, I am not used to hang strangers up the ceiling, and - no, I am not used to kiss dirty asses in public toilets and - no, I am not used to dress like batman and exhibit my intimacy once per month in some adult club. Just as all the time you say "I like sex" you must add that you're not a dogfucker and you're not used to go around in a raincoat to masturbate watching girls in the park. People reducing BDSM to a freak show put their blame on you too. If you keep at heart this passion, uphold its dignity.